Ep 40 - Breaking the Silence on Infidelity, Divorce, & Eloping to Ultimate Freedom w/ Shilpa Cacho

Julie George : [00:00:00] Hi Shepa. Thank you so much for being with us today.

Shilpa Cacho: Hello, Julie. I'm so excited to be here.

Julie George : How do you pronounce your last name?

Shilpa Cacho: uh, Koshi or Cacho? Like Yeah. Cacho. Is Isaac's last name, so like, just macho, but with a C.

Julie George : And your last name is, your maiden name is Koshi. So your ma.

Shilpa Cacho: Yes.

Julie George : Got it. okay, so today we are talking about dating after divorce. Dun, dun, dun dun. know that is a topic that comes with a lot of stigma, uh, within our community, especially our brown community. And so she, I'm really excited to have you on our podcast today.

, so maybe let's just start off by, well, let's just start off by having you tell us a little bit about yourself and intro yourself to our audience, just so that we know who you.

Shilpa Cacho: Yes. , so I started, , my social media career, I guess you could say , , as a makeup artist, and I kind of started sharing my work on there. And then as I went through my divorce, my life just unraveled. I unraveled as a human being. I was [00:01:00] very. Lost and broken and just kind of confused about who I was or where, you know, uh, who I wanted to be.

 I pretty much started life over again. I moved out to la I was based in Texas at that time. I moved out to la, started over. , and as, as I was going through stuff, I started sharing my journey I had people starting to message me saying like, oh my God, I'm going through something similar, and like, thank you so much for posting this.

And I was like, oh my God, clearly you need to be doing more of this people really resonate with it. And one thing I, struggled with was not having someone that looked like me, who was also going through something very similar. I felt very isolated during that time. , after my divorce, it was just really hard to be going through a divorce in the Indian community.

Especially my community, , where people like to choose sides and like someone has to be the bad guy. And, , me growing up wanting to people please and be accepted by everyone, that was extremely hard for me to do. . So I share my journey online right [00:02:00] now because I want people to know that they're not alone and they don't have to feel isolated in what they're going through. Pretty much like other people are going through the same thing 

Today's episode is sponsored by other PR. Uh, is there a PR is a public relations and digital marketing agency . Founded by Amber Sabri. Her agency is dedicated to amplifying female founders, minority owned brands and south Asian owned brands through the power of PR. Whether you're looking to build your founder, presence, increase brand exposure and traditional media, or build relationships with influencers through events and collaborations, Amber and her team are dedicated to uplifting you and industries dominated by the majority. 

Other PR is here to empower the minority. Check out WW dot other pr.com. That's a Z. C H a R P r.com. And now back to our episode, 

Julie George : So with your first marriage, how did you meet your first husband? How old were you when you got married that ti that first time. And what were all, you know, the events that ultimately led to the divorce?

Shilpa Cacho: I was 20 when I met [00:03:00] him. I had just moved to Texas, I think like a year after I met him. so we were dating, like we were dating for like five years before we got married. I believe I was the one who probably put the pressure on getting married . because I was like, okay, like I'm finishing my masters, this is the next step.

Julie George : the timeline.

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah. The timeline, right. This idea of a timeline that our freaking parents and community just ingrained and as like, this is what you do. Get your education, get married, have kids. end of life. Right. that was what was in my mind too. I, I saw my sister do the same thing. She had finished school, got married, kids, all that.

And I looked up to her at that time and I looked up to other people in my community who were doing that. Those were the successful people, right? So I was like, okay, let's get married this next step. And , we probably didn't start fighting until we got engaged actually. So, which was so funny I think I saw, really saw the differences at that time.

Or [00:04:00] maybe it was, it was, they were always there, but I guess there was more pressure when I was engaged, right? Like, oh my God, like this is happening and I have, we haven't like, really resolved this issue, or, or is this really gonna work? So probably a few, a few months before, We were actually getting married.

I knew I didn't wanna get married, but by that time I was too 

Julie George : so far. Yeah, you're so far in the process.

Shilpa Cacho: yes, invites are out, deposits are put down. Everyone knows. Oh, shit, I can't, end it. Now, this is gonna be embarrassing for everybody, including myself, but am like, I just wasted all this money and , all this shit's on your head, but oh my God, a few years later you're going through it anyway.

Right? um, if you don't feel it at , that time, you're definitely gonna feel it. A few years later, it's worse. So, uh, people are gonna talk about you either way, so that doesn't matter. , , , so we went through it and it's not like we didn't have good. He's, he's a good person. I'm a good person.

We had good times together. We had [00:05:00] good memories together, but there was just always conflict. And for myself, like we are fighting the day of our wedding and we fought the day after our wedding, and it was just,

Julie George : So when you say the fighting started, when you guys got engaged, was that because you started to have more serious discussions and conversations about your future together?

Shilpa Cacho: so, I think. if I'm being honest, I definitely saw the differences in values. He was more traditional than I was, even though he was born, brought up here. and I wasn't, but I was not as traditional. when it came down to like as silly things as like, What we're gonna wear, what my bridesmaids are gonna wear, or, where we were even gonna have the wedding.

I wanted a destination wedding. He was too afraid to disappoint his parents, where I was like, I don't care what my parents say. Like,

Julie George : Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: I want a destination wedding. I'm paying for it. I'm gonna have one. You know? whereas he, he wanted to make his parents happy, right? So there was a lot of like [00:06:00] things. Even throughout the marriage that I wasn't necessarily able to like share with his parents because he was afraid of their reaction, , , he was essentially an extension of my family.

So what I grew up with is what I chose to marry at that time. So he was very much judgemental towards my actions. Wasn't really accepting of me as a whole, and even even through, I didn't even know who I was completely at that time yet either. I was in the early twenties, mid twenties by the time we got married.

And honestly, like in your twenties, you don't really know who you are.

Yeah. And I'm only really figuring that out in my thirties, in my mid to late thirties now. Right. And I'm still changing, so it's still like I just became a new mom, so I'm still figuring it. But in my twenties, I'm looking back, I'm like, I was a freaking baby.

And it's amazing that people get married in their twenties and still make it work. And that's, that's amazing that you find partners that you can grow with. But it, it is very difficult to do [00:07:00] that.

Julie George : Yeah. So it sounds like you started noticing, you know, these shifts and changes, like even before you guys got married, did you ever seek out counseling or therapy, or were you, , you know, did you guys seek out those treatment options , to see if you could work on improving the marriage at the time?

Shilpa Cacho: I don't know why that never came up . I don't know why that never came up. And it's so crazy because we should have, as we were engaged, we totally should have. So like the only option. that was, you know, forced upon us at that time was, , what premarital counseling with , the UIN or the priest at , his church.

And that was literally maybe one session of one hour where he's asking questions about money or like some other Like I got nothing out of it. Nothing out of it. I wish that was actually something. That's people like advised me about is like, get, get into therapy while you're freaking dating, before you even get engaged, to get into therapy.

And it doesn't matter if you have problems or [00:08:00] not. Everyone can benefit from therapy there are always issues. There's no perfect relationship. There are always issues and there are always communication issues. And even just learning how to, deal with that or head on is gonna be beneficial for your marriage.

Julie George : Yeah, it's interesting those, uh, premarital sessions, what is called like pre-Cana or something like that, that you go through with the church. It's interesting that it happens, after you're, you're already engaged. Cuz I almost feel like at that point it's too late. Like those are the kinds of conversations and discussions to have like while you're dating, Like my partner and I, , we have , we're not engaged, but we have talked about everything down to things like if we have kids, what do we want their device and screen usage to look like? You know, how do we think about them having social media? And even if that sounds like farfetched to be talking about that, like I would rather.

those discussions now then, that be a point of contention down the road, you know, trying to figure it out [00:09:00] then. Um, but I also think back to your point of like twenties, at that early on in your life, because you're still figuring yourself out. You don't even know to ask those questions, right?

Like, you don't even, you ha you don't have enough life experience under your belt to know that. Like, these are things , that you need to talk about. You know? 

Shilpa Cacho: Hundred percent. I mean, in my twenties, I would've not cared about any of that crap, right?

Julie George : Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: the important things and asking questions about values and how to spend money and all of that, like I wouldn't have been able to answer those questions myself.

Julie George : Right.

Shilpa Cacho: let alone have a conversation with someone else about the future, about how to deal with that.

And you know, even touching on that is that we can have these conversations now and our answers might change as life happens. And being able to like know that we can both be flexible with that. And would, would that be okay for both partners? Right. 

Julie George : yeah. How long were you guys married for?

Shilpa Cacho: So we were married for five years.

honestly the whole [00:10:00] time, like I said, we had really good times, but there was always something inside of me that felt there was like a big void. And one thing I wanted to touch on, that's what I was gonna say, was one thing I didn't do for myself was, so I lived with my parents, got married, and then lived with my ex.

So I never lived on my. and I never had that time to discover and explore who I am without the pressure of someone else's expectations. So that's really hard when you live with your parents and you're under their roof and under their rules, and then you're with a, then you get married and are with their spouse and you're essentially under the rules that you guys create together, and you don't have that time to explore on your own.

And that's Another piece of advice that I'd give to someone in their twenties is to go live on your own, experience life, and learn 

Julie George : percent. 

Shilpa Cacho: pay your own bills,

Julie George : Yeah, there is so much growth that happens in the absences absence of home when you're away from your family, you're away from comfort and everything that you know. So there was [00:11:00] some infidelity that happened in your first marriage. And first of all, I want to acknowledge that. I know this is like not an easy subject to talk about, so thank you for being open to 

sharing, 

you know, how this affected your life, but infidelity, I think a lot more common than most people probably think.

The stats that I was 

reading show like somewhere between 20 to 40% of married couples are affected by infidelity, even in the brown community. It's just that it's so hush hush with us. , I personally know a handful of married couples that have been affected by infidelity, and I think personally, like my first glimpse into realizing how common infidelity is, was in my twenties. I was off on my own and. Get hit on multiple times by married men who know that I know they're married, . And you know, if it wasn't for me being like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? If I allowed it, like something more would've happened and I didn't. . But this was like people that I knew [00:12:00] from church environments, work environments, business trips.

And so that was kind of like my first glimpse of oh shit, this thing, this infidelity, you know, is, is a lot more common. Than we think. So when you were going through all of this in your first marriage, like what was going on in your head space that culminated to the affair starting, like what do you think were some of those underlying mental and emotional things that were impacting you at the time that ultimately led to the affair?

Shilpa Cacho: So I think it was a buildup of a lot of things. First of all, I, grew extremely insecure, never worked on mental health issues, self love journey, like none of that like I should have been going to therapy the whole time, right? , you know, and the thing is, I was trying to seek approval and love and accept.

from, not myself I was trying to look for it outside of that. And I honestly, if I really look back , I was in a tough situation. [00:13:00] I always, I felt stuck. In that marriage and I didn't know what to do with that heaviness. I was dealing with deep, depression during that marriage and I didn't know how to get out of it.

And I knew, I kept like imagining a different life for myself and it wasn't what I was living with my ex, and I was looking for an escape. , I was looking for an escape. I didn't know how to handle this tough situation you know, I was probably essentially trying to blow up my life so I can finally get out of it.

Um, I think we subconsciously do things and I was always the type of person, like, I would never cheat. I would never cheat. Like that's something I would never do. And you know, and that's why it's so easy for people to judge. Like I a hundred percent judge people prior to doing what I did. A hundred percent judge people for doing for cheat.

and I think it's so easy to judge until you're in a specific situation. Cuz trust me, like you said, it is way more common than you think it is. And I know from personal stories [00:14:00] and like my ex would tell me all the time, his friends would be doing that to their wives easily on trips, on whatever, and they justify it too.

So, and, and it's heartbreaking for me to like, hear, hear that because, . I knew about that, you know, his, his community. And then I also know about that, like other people in church communities, it doesn't matter. doesn't matter if you're brown, white, black, whatever. Everyone's freaking doing it.

 and it's a problem. it's a huge problem. So, the judgment aspect of it, it really sucks, but it is, it, it's a low level. Trying to get out of something that you don't know how to handle, right? So in our community, we aren't taught how to deal with, tough emotions or our struggles in general.

Like people just brush things under the rug and that that is a problem. We don't know how to communicate with others. We don't know how to take away shame from topics. Everything, like you said is hush hush. It doesn't have to be about a, a divorce , or cheating or anything like that. It's like, what are the underlying issues in the first place that [00:15:00] made you act out in that way?

Right. so for a lot of these people that got married in their twenties who are cheating a lot of them got married for the same reasons I did. It's just the next step, oh, I guess I have to do this. This is what people expect. Some of them didn't wanna get married to the partners that they chose to get married to, but like, oh, I guess she'll make a good wife or he'll make a good, or, you know, a good partner, this is the right thing to do.

My parents would be happy with this. Like, so, like things like that, being able to like give permission to explore herself and live outside the box , , or the parameters that our community and our society allow us, right? Uh, being accepting of ourselves and learning to love ourselves for who we are instead of having, trying to fit into the box and fit into our community. So I think that's where it all stemmed from. And I didn't realize that at that point you think you're in love with this person who accepts you for you, but you barely accept yourself for yourself. And looking back, it really wasn't love.

It was just two people who were unhappy in their lives and in their marriages trying to make [00:16:00] something happen or make it magical. it was a bunch of crap , so,

Julie George : Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: yeah. and another statistic, it's a low percentage of people who actually make it work while cheating, like if they met through infidelity.

It's a really low statistic that act, they actually work out.

Julie George : Mm-hmm. . Yeah. It's interesting all that you mentioned, like I definitely think unresolved trauma can manifest. Deeply in so many ways. You know, when you have self-esteem issues, are you still working through people pleasing, not wanting to disappoint your family? On top of all the shit and the emotional guilt that our families will put on us, like all of that can make it so easy for people to constantly live this life that's not your own.

and you can only do that for so long. You know, you can only pretend for so long before all that just like catches up with you and smacks you in the face. It's like kind of like a storm waiting to happen.

Shilpa Cacho: exactly. And I looked around like, and like you said, I was going out at the time [00:17:00] seeing people in their fifties, fifties still cheating on their spouses, both men and women. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I'm like, I do not want to be that person. So that's why I was like, I have to leave. For me to live authentically to myself and honor myself and to be the person that envisioned myself to be, which is an honest person, a good person, is to stop living this, this.

Julie George : right. Did your ex-husband eventually find out about the affair?

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, he did. I never like truly gave details or like really, really confirmed it, but he, yeah, he knew.

Julie George : Yeah. How did you break that cycle in your head? You know, like were you afraid of cheating again in the relationships after that first marriage, or even in your marriage now? Like do you have those fears of possibly falling back into that habit, and how do you kind of work through that?

Shilpa Cacho: yes, that's a really great question. Sorry, one [00:18:00] second.

Julie George : No, go for it.

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, that's a really great question. So during the time of my divorce before, I actually left, I started seeing a therapist and I love this therapist to death. He, he taught me how to save my own life, which is incredible. And I kept, a relationship with him even after I moved and he. . You know, one of the fears that came up for me when Isaac and I started dating was, cuz it was long distance too, right?

I didn't know how to trust myself yet. I didn't trust myself yet, and I also didn't forgive myself for cheating in the first place. So I was still struggling with all those emotions and I'm like, how do I make this work? Will I cheat again? I'm so scared, right? Like, Oh, my therapist, he literally just told me, this, will probably be burned in my brain for the rest of my life, is you can't control what you're gonna do 10 years from now, or five years and a half or whatever it is.

But all you have control over is when you wake up in the morning, you ask yourself, what kind of person do I wanna be today? And that is all you [00:19:00] have control over that day. And I'm like, oh, okay, I can do that. It doesn't feel as overwhelming. And that was when we just started dating and now what, five years later.

I'm like, oh, hell no. That's not even a question on my mind. Like that's not even a fear for me because I've really just grown exponentially from that point. I've forgiven myself for the cheating. I can talk about it out loud. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed by it anymore. It's just it. It is what it is.

And. You know, God and I have talked that out. I don't need anyone else to judge me for it. Like gimme a shit for, they can do whatever they want, but I know people are dealing with their own struggles and I think it's, it's more beneficial to talk about it than, than not. And I'm madly in love with my husband and we have a really strong relationship that this is hard to find anywhere else.

And I was cheating for, other reasons. Right? It's not just because someone's good looking and I, and they're hot and I wanna like hook up with 

Julie George : right? Yeah. I mean, infidelity in most situa. I'm not saying infidelity is right or justified in any way, but [00:20:00] I do think in most situations, infidelity happens because there's a foundation that's already broken and like people are not cheating because they're happy with themselves or they're happy in a fulfilled relationship.

Like there's so much that's like broken, at the foundation.

Shilpa Cacho: a hundred percent.

Julie George : When you shared with your family about your divorce, how did they react to it?

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, they were not happy. It was probably one of the toughest times I've ever experienced because I was always one of the golden children, right? Like there was two of my siblings. Didn't do well in school, whatever. Always got shit, always got in trouble. And the other two, which I was, one of them was we did well in school.

Like I, and I was probably even better than the other one because she was like dating some other dude or whatever. Like I, I, I hid all my shit. Well, is what I did until that point. So like, I did one school, I got married, I like, you know, married the Indian male guy and all that. [00:21:00] so I was the golden child until that point.

at least in my mind, and, my siblings, I think at that point I realized that they were a lot more traditional than I expected them to be. And it was really hard because that was probably the first time in my life that I didn't have the support of my family during the, one of the hardest times in my life.

 I've Chosen to forgive everybody and then, and hopefully they've chosen to forgive me as well, like move on from it. But, , it was definitely super, super hard. They were not about it because they loved my ex. He was in, he was in their life for like 10 years, so understandably be so right, like he's family for them too.

 and they thought I had just gone crazy. And I was like, well, I was kind of going crazy the whole time, but no one knew about it. Um, So, yeah, so it, it was hard, but it, it had to happen that way for me I came out a lot stronger for it.

Julie George : Yeah, absolutely. How did you kind of manage your healing journey post divorce? You know, like what were the steps that you [00:22:00] took to heal and move forward? I know you mentioned therapy, but I, I don't know if there's anything else that you wanna add or expound on.

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, therapy for sure, and honestly moving out of the place that made me feel comfortable. at that point, Texas, I had been there for like 10 years or some, something like that. And so I was home, right. But I knew I wanted to leave and start from scratch, so I moved somewhere. I didn't really know anybody.

I started

Julie George : Was that when you moved to la? 

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah. So I moved to LA then I lived with strangers and Yeah. Yeah. So, so crazy. So I started doing things, just trying things. If I had an interest for something, or like, oh, that sounds cool, or like, that looks cool, I just did it. so then I figured out that's for me, that's not for me.

You know, and that's like the self-exploration phase was so important. and, surrounding yourself with also other people who accept you for you. So I didn't have my family at that time. Right. Some friends actually dropped off as well [00:23:00] because they were so taxed to the marriage and, you know, my ex I guess.

But, I like met other women or like, I was already friends with other women who were going through similar situations at the same time. So They were in it with me. And then I had like two other really good friends who even if they weren't going through the same situation, they really stuck it out with me.

So, having that community super, , is super helpful. But definitely therapy is probably the biggest thing I can recommend. And also, if you're a believer in this, I mean, I know it's still a little bit newer to some people, , but life coaching is huge too. And like going, um, I, I traveled a ton as well.

So I, traveled solo during my marriage as well, but like I really did it a ton while I was divorced and that's, that was huge for me too. Travel, such a big passion of mine. But doing it alone is uncomfortable, but also magical. Like so many, you learn so much about yourself and your strengths and you, and it's really.

Julie George : Amazing. I love it. So therapy, life coaching, solo [00:24:00] travel. You moved to new environments. After your divorce, did you know you wanted to find love and get married again? Like, was there ever any kind of aversion toward the idea of marriage that you had kind of built up in your head?

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, so there was a point where I was like, oh, maybe I'm not, I'm not meant for marriage. I'm not. Marriage material, right? Like maybe I like too many people or like, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I was definitely at that. At some point I was like that and then I was like, oh, maybe like I'm polyamorous.

Maybe I'll like multiple people and like . And it's so funny cause I'm not any of those things, but, I met people who are in polyamorous relationships. Blew up in their faces , so like I just had like these experiences or like people who might have had those experiences come and tell me their story and I'm like, oh, okay.

Yeah. Like that's not for me.. But . , at the heart of it all, I would always go back to this idea of a person and building this life of that person.[00:25:00] . so weird. But I started like making a list of all the things I wanted and like writing letters to this person that I didn't know who they were, but imagined that they were out.

He was out there somewhere and, uh, curious about who, who he was and what he was doing and things like that. , so I definitely realized that I didn't want to be, in, a relationship and get married.

Julie George : Yeah. 

And what was dating like post divorce? Like how long did you wait till after your divorce was finalized, before you put yourself back out there to date and meet people 

Shilpa Cacho: I didn't wait very long. . So I actually initially though, was like, I don't want anything serious. Let's just have fun because I just got out of something. So I'm not looking for anything serious. So initially that's what I was doing, and then I was like, oh, this is kind of lame. Like I'm, that's not for me either.

So 

Julie George : at this point of your life, you're 30. Cause you said you 

Shilpa Cacho: yes. 

Julie George : and then, okay, 

Shilpa Cacho: yeah. So I was like 31. [00:26:00] Yeah. uh, oh yeah. And then like, I started going on, on dates, like getting on apps you know, one piece of advice I would give to women who are in the, at this phase, especially if they didn't really date as adults.

Like, this is my first time navigating dating as an adult, like in my twenties. It's like, oh, he's cute. Ok. Like, cool, let's, like, we're boyfriend and girlfriend, like type of thing. . but I never knew how to date and so I was learning everything on my own. one, yeah, one piece of advice is like, especially if you don't know what you like or who you like or whatever it is, I think it's recommended that you date guys that you don't think you would . necessarily like

 So you learn what you do, like, what you don't like, what you want. Uh, and like David, honestly, I think it's OK to date a ton. Like go on dates you know, that's how you learn about what you really want Um, you get clarity and what you really want for yourself. And so I did that. Um, some. Ended badly.

Some were dramatic, some were fine. Like it was, it was kind of all over the place, but it was fun like thinking about it. I'm so glad I [00:27:00] did it. I'm so glad I went on on ton of dates before actually meeting Isaac. .

Yeah. I always tell my younger cousins and people younger than me to just go date, like get to know different types of people, because that is going to give you a better sense of yourself and what you actually want in a partner. You know, like what's important to you, what you're willing to tolerate, what you're not willing to tolerate. 

 Don't just agree to marry the first person you know, like I think for me personally, every person that I've dated has only given me a better. Her sense of what I actually want. And I also feel that like every person I've gotten to know, or every relationship has gotten me closer. 

To the person that was meant for me. 

Shilpa Cacho: Hundred percent. Like seeing them as just stepping stones towards what your ultimate, you know, person is or whatever you believe in. But, it doesn't have to be like every date has to work out. It has to be a relationship. No, that doesn't come to the case and it shouldn't be the case.

Uh, You're just exploring people. You're just [00:28:00] getting to know people and like seeing it like that and taking the pressure 

Julie George : Yeah 

So your first husband was Molly Ali. After your divorce and you started dating again, did you have any kind of idea in your head of like, oh, I would like to marry another MO person, 

Shilpa Cacho: Oh, 

Julie George : you

Shilpa Cacho: I was done. Indian dudes, uh, and especially. but I did like hook up with a few after, , but never wanted to date them seriously. but yeah, so I, I knew because I knew that before about myself. Like I knew, I never imagined myself with an Indian guy. I don't know what happened. He was a nice guy.

Like he's a nice guy. , it's, it's just funny. Like I've, I've definitely heard that before. You just marry what you know. So whatever you grow up, grow up with is what you're gonna look for. And that is, that is what I essentially did. But before him, before my ex, I was dating non-Indians, like a ton of non-Indians.

Julie George : Got it. 

Shilpa Cacho: yeah.

Julie George : [00:29:00] And when you started dating again, what would be people's reactions when you told them that you were divorced? Like, did you get any kind of negative feedback or reactions of like, oh, like, sorry, I'm not interested anymore because of the fact that you're divorced.

Like, did you experience any of that kind of stigma?

Shilpa Cacho: Uh, surprisingly, no. But I think it's because I wasn't dating Indian people, so, the only time I, my ex actually told me, that because he was divorced, people were turning him down. And I'm like, that is so sad because you're an extra really good guy. And that's heartbreaking that people would pull that against you.

I 

remember. 

Julie George : sorry. Your first husband was married before. 

Shilpa Cacho: No, no, no. Like I had, I don't know, we had talked, post divorce and he told me that and I said, that's so sad and disappointing on their part because, and obviously he was looking for Indian women, 

cuz. He's more traditional in that sense, so,

Julie George : right. But 

when you say your ex, are you talking about like a previous boyfriend or the guy that you were married to the

first time? 

Shilpa Cacho: [00:30:00] too. My ex-husband,, 

Julie George : got it. I'm just confused. 

So you guys were each other's first, husband and wife, right? You were each other's first marriage.

Okay. Got it. Okay. So let's fast forward to your life now. , tell the audience how you met your husband, Isaac, cuz I know it's kind of a wild story 

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, so, uh, I was actually dating some, or kind of dating some, some dude douche bag at that time, . And uh, I was like, I am done being treated like shit, like I'm over this. . And that night, like I was supposed to actually meet up with that guy that night and, he bailed on me. I was like, oh, I'm so done with men.

Like, I'm so done with him. And, , my roommate still wanted to go to these concerts in Santa Monica, so I was like, okay, fine, let's go. So went with her. Ended up there like towards the end of it. So we're like, okay, let's just hang out for a little bit longer since we came all the way out here.

You know, everything takes at least 45 minutes to get to. And uh, we walked into a bar and I saw this guy coming in [00:31:00] and I was like, oh my God, who's that cute guy? And He wasn't making any eye contact or anything cuz you know, like that's how it happens.

Like, make eye contact. Okay. He's into me. So I 

didn't go up. 

Julie George : the 

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And, uh, that didn't happen. So I was like, okay, I guess he's not interested. anyway, so he's walking out the door. I'm sitting by the door, he's, he's walking out with his friends and he's like, hi. He just like, turns around and says hi out of nowhere.

And I was like, hi, . And he's like, um, my friends are leaving, but can I, hang out with you? and I was like, um, okay. And then he just like sat down. We had conversation exchanged numbers, but he told me he's 23 years old and , moving to South Korea cuz he's in the military. And I was like, okay, that is crazy.

 Nothing is gonna happen here, but you're cute. Whatever. Right. he got my number.

Julie George : You thought that he wasn't Mr. Wright, but he was Mr. Wright. Now

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah, [00:32:00] exactly right. He's hot. You know, we could, uh, have some fun this next week and that's about it. and, uh, but, and then I had to like, go back to Texas for work. and so the whole weekend we were texting And he was, he was just different , because usually guys, especially in LA oh my gosh, , they will be like super sexual right away.

Right. And he was different. He wasn't like bringing up asking sexual questions or anything like we're talking about his family and some random stuff, whatever. I was like, okay . Like this is cool. and then I'm flying back that Sunday and he's like, Hey, I can pick you up from the airport And you've lived in la No one freaking wants to drive to the airport.

The airport is a shit. Shit. Yeah. So I was like, that is my love language is people picking me up from the airport. So for him to offer that, like, oh my God, he's so different, But still he's 23 and moving outta the country, . And we had our date the next day and we had. So much fun. Like we [00:33:00] were open with each other right away.

It was so easy to talk to each other. So like I was talking about my past marriage and infidelity. He had talked about past relationships and what had, you know, what he's been through. And we were just so open and it was a breath of fresh air and we were like really non-judgmental towards each other, which was really different.

And we just had so much fun and, and I think what it was though was the lack of pressure because we knew we were not gonna end up together, or we thought we were gonna end up together. We had zero pressure. How to act or if this is gonna turn into relationship. So we didn't care. 

So we were ourselves , uh, we had a really good time. He kept like, wanting to hang out all week. So he was there for a week and a half. W he was there to visit, family and friends and, but he made an effort to see me every single day. And we like, became really fast friends. We had such a good time together.

Um, and he left and. Devastated. I was so sad. , , but we kept [00:34:00] talking every day, since then for hours. And we were like, okay, like I guess this is, this is more than a friendship. Let's make this happen. And then 10 months later we got married, . So we loved,

Julie George : Oh my God. Okay, so you guys met in la. You spend this magical week together. He goes off to Korea cuz he is in the military. And then 10 months later you eloped and got married.

Shilpa Cacho: Yes. 

Julie George : Oh my 

. gosh. Where, so where did you get married? 

Shilpa Cacho: yeah. So he was coming back to visit, the States again, like he had like two weeks off. He was coming back to visit and , we had talked about, going up north, to do like Big Sur and all of that. And um, like, that'd be such a pretty place. I said something like, that'd be such a pretty place to get married.

And he said, let's do it. And I was like, uh, okay,

Julie George : Okay.

Shilpa Cacho: are we really doing this? And then like, we planned it, I think in like two weeks or three weeks or [00:35:00] something. And we got married in Big Sur. It was. His best friend, my best friend who married us, and we had our photographer, videographer, and it was perfect

Julie George : Wow. So you didn't tell anyone outside that circle?

Shilpa Cacho: so I wasn't going to, we weren't going to, but then, one thing I, I didn't wanna deal with drama after getting married, so I said to myself, if I'm gonna deal with drama, I'd rather do it beforehand rather than start off our marriage on this like foot of like,

Julie George : Right.

Shilpa Cacho: Whatever, . And, uh, so I ended up having a conversation with my family and telling them, a week or two before, and, once again, they weren't happy.

They didn't understand. I also, I think it was less than two years since I had gotten divorced. So they also thought I was once again making another terrible decision for my life. they didn't understand, they, they didn't know him either. So for them, . they had an intervention the week before I was supposed to get married, so, it was, it was pretty funny.

[00:36:00] Yeah. 

Julie George : you or with the both of you, or?

Shilpa Cacho: no, it was with me. Yeah. So I had gone home again for work and I was home and then they sat me down once again to have this like freaking family in intervention about 

Julie George : Yeah. 

Shilpa Cacho: kissing, why he is you don't know him, and blah, blah, blah, all this stuff.

Julie George : Right. Did they try to attend the wedding? Did they try 

to invite themselves or 

Shilpa Cacho: , I remember my brother saying, you better have not invited anybody else. Meaning like, if they're not invited, no one else better me going to this wedding, 

you know? And I was like, uh, yeah, no one is going, but my friend was there. You know,

Julie George : Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: But it is, they did take a lot of offense to it, and I, and I understand, like I, I get right.

If I were in their shoes, I'd be confused and hurt and all that too.

[00:00:00] 

Julie George: So how did you know that Isaac was the one.

Shilpa Cacho: him and I were just best friends, like we were really, , really good friends. I've told him things that I have never told anybody. and he's done the same with me. And we felt really safe with each other. He kept his word. , if he said he was gonna do something, he would do it. And he was loyal. We were lo like, I was loyal to him.

And we challenged each other too, to grow, in the relationship and do things that were outside of our comfort zone. And, , he also supported and pushed me to do things that might have scared. , um, he was more accepting of me being open and being myself, whereas, you know, it's hard not to compare, but you do compare when you're, especially post divorce.

As you know, with my ex, I always felt like I had to hide certain parts of myself, whereas with Isaac, I didn't have to do that, and he accepted and loved me for all of it. We just had a, we had a blast together. We, we had so much [00:01:00] fun together and our values very much aligned. 

Julie George: So I know you mentioned like with your parents and your family, it kind of started off on a rocky note. How would you, describe the relationship that you have as a couple with your family now?

Shilpa Cacho: Oh yeah. It's totally, it's so different. Like he is, he's such a family oriented person, and so for him, it's so nice for him to have family here. he, I didn't wanna move back to Texas. He wanted to move back here and he wanted to move here to be closer to my family. , which is so funny because they were always so mean to him.

So,

Julie George: Oh.

Shilpa Cacho: yeah. like, that's the kinda guy he is though, right? He's like this open-hearted, goofy dude who, he wanted to win them over, and he did. And it's, it's hard not to fall in love with him. He's just a good, a good person and he's fun to be around and I think they. How we are together, how we compliment each other really well.

Like they can see for themselves a [00:02:00] why we work and he genuinely loves me and is so I think, I think they see how happy we are now.

Julie George: , I think what's really cool about watching. Your relationship through social media is, , it's cool kind of seeing different ways of being able to preserve parts of your culture and tradition that are important to you.

Like even while being in a, in a racial, in a racial marriage. Cause I actually feel that sometimes that whole preserving culture can, can be more lost when you marry someone within the culture cuz it's just kind of taken for granted. And so it's cool to see Isaac. take such an active interest in like learning how to make Chaya from your mom or like, you know, doing the, like the Molly Allam games or something like that to like pick up Molly Allen or to teach Molly Allam to your, to your, uh, dau.

You have a daughter, right? You okay daughter? and I think like that is cool because there's plenty of brown [00:03:00] guys who grew up here and would not take that same level of effort because of the fact that it's like taken for granted.

Shilpa Cacho: a hundred percent. I mean, with my ex, he was born, brought up here. He had traditional values. But he didn't know the language. He didn't care to wear the clothes. He didn't care about the culture really as much as Isaac does, which is so insane. And if anything, Isaac has made me want to dive deeper into my culture because.

He's so interested in it. He wants to make sure our daughter has it and, and grows up with it. And I feel the same way. And like you said, he asked my mom to like, Hey, I wanna learn how to make this or like learn how to make cha He made chai, uh, for his coworkers the other day. Right. And he's, he's so like non-Indian one and they're all Indian, which is so funny.

Julie George: Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: it's, it's really cute to see and it's really awesome to see because. , I didn't know how much I did value it until seeing it through his eyes. And like he said, it is taken for granted when, you have two [00:04:00] Indian people together sometimes.

Julie George: Yeah. What are some things that you guys do to maintain a thriving and healthy relationship?

Shilpa Cacho: uh, therapy when we feel like we need it. So, uh, while I was pregnant, I was going, we were going through a rough patch and. , I was like, we need to get into therapy and not being embarrassed by that. That doesn't mean you have an unhealthy relationship. It just means you freaking need help outside of what you're able to give, like what you both can give to each other.

You need an outsider's perspective to kind of help give clarity on how you can improve this and get to a solution so that, um, Making time, quality time for each other. and genuinely quality time. Not just sitting and watching a movie or like being on our phones together, , like talking, having real conversation about not just surface level things or like what needs to get done or what are we doing this weekend.

It's actually things about life and things about, how they're doing with their day to day. [00:05:00] What are they passionate about? What are they working towards, things like that. And being supportive of each other. having sex multiple times a week is important. I and it, and it, you know, that's, so that's one thing I just feel is lacking in our culture and community.

I've heard, I hear from so many women or in so many men who are unhappy with their sex life. Wife or spouse or girlfriend or whatever it is, and I'm just like, well, why aren't you guys doing something about it? It needs to be talked about. It needs to be, , once again, sex doesn't have to be a topic that you should be ashamed of.

It's a very normal, healthy part of a relationship, and I just wish there wasn't so much embarrassment or shame around that topic.

Julie George: Yeah, I definitely think like it's so easy to fall into the rut of the day to day. So if you're not being really intentional about, Planning check-ins on to discuss the health of your relationship. Planning date nights, like there's someone I follow and she says that her and her husband literally [00:06:00] have like on their calendar, like a date night to have sex because she's like, if that, if it's not on our calendar, like it's just probably not gonna happen.

When you think about the day to day, the jobs, the work, the, the, the careers, the kids, blah, blah, blah, chores, et cetera. So I love that. Yeah. What do you think was the biggest lesson that you learned kind of going through your divorce and then coming out of it and just, all that you went through, like during that phase of your life?

Shilpa Cacho: Staying true to yourself is extremely important to happiness and quality of life, and that people will talk no matter what, no matter what you decide to do. people will always have something to say. So trying to live by the expectations or following their expectations of other people, like just doesn't make any sense.

And especially when you realize what's happening behind [00:07:00] closed doors in their lives, that the pains of others really don't matter. Like they just don't. And even when it comes down to parents, I love them to, I love my parents to death. Are they perfect? far from perfect. I couldn't see that as a child.

You know, you learn, you grew up trying to worship your parents because that's what you're taught to do, but at the end of the day, they are human. So take people down from the pedestals that you have them on and realize at the end of the day, we're all on the same level. We're all trying to just figure out life and figure out happiness and what all that means to us.

So be authentic to yourself and live and do what makes you happy, , and. , honestly, that is the only way that you're going to actually, live a fulfilled life.

Julie George: Yeah, absolutely. No, I love that. I think especially with our parents, because they grew up in a completely different world. They grew up in a, a different generation and. I think the best thing for me that I learned is just kind of taking what they say and the advice that they give with a grain of salt.

You know, most of the time [00:08:00] I just kind of let it go through one ear and out the other. , because at the end of the day, your parents aren't gonna be around forever and when they pass on, like, you're gonna have to live your, live this life of your own, and you want it to be one that's like yours, you know?

Shilpa Cacho: Absolutely. And then also, I mean, I might get a little bit of trouble for saying this, but even in their community and in their generation of people, there are plenty of people who are cheating and unhappy,

Julie George: Mm-hmm. . Yeah.

Shilpa Cacho: it just doesn't come in as often.

Julie George: Yeah, absolutely. . Um, so thank you so much for coming on our podcast today. I love chatting with you. Thank you for like 

sharing all that you went through, like love and loss. You slayed your dragons and now you're here. Happy and thriving. Um, I love it. Where can people connect with you 

Shilpa Cacho: Yeah. Um, on Instagram, we're just at Isaac on your square, choppa on TikTok as well. Um, but I love connecting with people, so please, like I, I try to [00:09:00] respond to all dms and all that, so I love just like sharing. Like hearing from other people their stories So absolutely. Thank you so much. It was a ton of fun. I really appreciate you having me on and it was nice to share my story and have you listen

Julie George: Thank you, shepa.